Whipped cream bikini: the mother of all wardrobe malfunctions

One Saturday night (pre-twins), the hubster and I were sitting at home.  We’d watched our movie, eaten our dinner, and were proceeding to get down to the kind of business that newlyweds do.
Ahem.
Mid-kiss, after my shirt had come off, I had an idea.
I sat up.  “Be right back!  Just gotta get something from the kitchen.”  
The hubster was not amused.  “Can’t it wait?  What are you doing?”
I unhooked my bra the rest of the way and threw it around the corner.  “Just give me a minute.  I’m hungry.”
“You’re hungry, like, for food?  Now?”  
Too busy rooting around in the refrigerator to answer, I finally spotted what I needed.  You see, we’d watched Varsity Blues a few weeks earlier (and if you’ve seen it, you know where this is going).  In the movie, Ali Larter plays a cheerleader who tries to seduce a football player with the aid of a whipped cream bikini: 

This seemed like a great Saturday night scene to re-create for the hubster.  Certainly something a Cosmo girl would do, no?  
In my excitement over finding the Reddi-Whip, I neglected to think about how Ms. Larter’s costume for the movie was actually constructed.  It was billed as whipped cream, and we had whipped cream.  There were maraschino cherries in the pantry.  This was going to knock the hubster’s socks off.
Reddi-Whip at the, well, ready, I began to construct the bikini.  It only took about two seconds to realize that refrigerated canned whipped cream and 98.6 degree skin do not play well together.  
I worked faster.  
“What the hell are you doing?” the hubster asked, raising his voice to be heard over the pfftttt of the aerosol can.
“Um, just making you something.”  The left breast was a little wonky, but more or less covered, so I moved on to the right.
“I’m not hungry.  I am, however, in the mood for you to come back over here.  What the hell is that noise?”
Pffffffttt. Pfffttttt.  Pfffffttt.  I could swear I was getting lightheaded by the time I was done with the right breast.  I set down the can to go for the cherries, and felt something wet land on my foot.
Not good.
Looking down, I saw the remains of the whipped cream melting off my breasts, dripping down my stomach, and pooling on the kitchen floor.
But I’m nothing if not persistent.
Pfffftttt.  Pffffttttt.  Pfffttttt.  Damn.  Still happening.  If anything, the second batch slid off  even faster.
I heard his footsteps a second too late.  “Wait a minute, I’m just–”
Hubster rounded the corner and came face to face with me.  I jutted one hip out and brandished the can of Reddi-Whip.  “Are you in the mood for dessert?” I asked, using my best Angelina Jolie come-hither tone.
He tried not to laugh.  For about five seconds.  Then he just let go, leaving me dripping melted dairy onto the hardwoods and feeling about as sexy as the bottom of an ice cream carton.
“What…” he choked out, “were you trying to do?”
“Um, well,” I started to giggle, too, “obviously, this is a whipped cream bikini.”
The hubster looked from me to the puddle on the floor, and we both started howling with the kind of laughter that makes your face hurt.  The kind that makes you feel as if you’ve done thousands of crunches the next day.  The kind of laughter you can only really have in a safe space, a space where you know it’s ok to make a fool of yourself in front of your spouse, because even if you’re dripping whipped cream onto the floor, you’re in it together.
***********
Some time later….
“So do you think they used, like, shaving cream or something in the movie?” I asked, staring at the ceiling fan in our bedroom.
“Um, yeah.  Or maybe Spackle.  Whatever it was, it definitely wasn’t,” he started laughing again, “whipped cream.”
**This was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.  The prompt: a wardrobe malfunction

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37 Responses to Whipped cream bikini: the mother of all wardrobe malfunctions
  1. Elizabeth Flora Ross
    October 21, 2010 | 8:28 pm

    Oh, that is just fantastic! God bless you for being brave enough to share this and giving me such a chuckle! ;)

  2. Elizabeth Phillips
    October 21, 2010 | 8:32 pm

    Your mom is going to love this post! HA!

  3. Angie
    October 21, 2010 | 8:32 pm

    It was definitely funny, but I'm filing this under “don't try this at home.”

  4. Mama the Chef
    October 21, 2010 | 8:43 pm

    Laughing.Out.LOUD!

  5. Angie
    October 21, 2010 | 8:46 pm

    @Elizabeth…well, at this point I guess I figure she knows how we came by the twins.

    @Mama the Chef–me, too!

  6. Liz
    October 21, 2010 | 8:54 pm

    This is insanely awesome and hysterical! And the “Pffft” noises only added to it! LOVE it! And perfect for wonky!

  7. moveovermarypoppins.com
    October 21, 2010 | 8:58 pm

    You. Are. My. Hero!

    Now, when do we get the “Like A Prayer” story?

  8. Just Another Mom of 2
    October 21, 2010 | 9:01 pm

    This- is the best thing I've read today! Hysterical!!

  9. Angie
    October 21, 2010 | 9:06 pm

    @Liz, thanks!

    @MoveOverMaryP, patience, my dear. And I do have pictures of that one, if I can find them.

    @JustAnotherMomof2 Thank you! And to think, I almost didn't hit “publish.”

  10. Helene
    October 21, 2010 | 9:09 pm

    Well, you get an A for effort, anyway!!!

  11. Tisha
    October 21, 2010 | 9:17 pm

    Hysterical!! Almost makes me want to re-create the scene with my husband just for the laughs! …or maybe not. Too funny! This is probably the last blog I'll read before heading to bed, so thanks for ending my day with a smile :-)

  12. kris
    October 21, 2010 | 10:10 pm

    Ha!

    Love this!

    We need more people to blog about their sexual embarrassments. Yes.

    Who do I see about this?

    A petition?

    Love this.

    Yay!

  13. Soge shirts
    October 21, 2010 | 11:13 pm

    Wow that was really funny. I'm sure your husband would have been stoked if the whipped cream did work. I'm going to file this under #youlearnsomethingneweveryday.

  14. MultipleMum
    October 22, 2010 | 3:28 am

    I have heard of bodies painted in chocolate, but never whipped cream! I love this!!! Such a visual and auditory delight. *smiles to self wondering how they actually did it in the movie*

  15. gopopgo
    October 22, 2010 | 7:01 am

    Pffffft Pfffffft I think I'm going to laugh every time I use a can of whipped cream now.

    Also, cool whip isn't any better – it's really greasy and nasty. Not that we've tried or anything. We've just heard.

  16. Angie
    October 22, 2010 | 7:19 am

    @Helene, thanks. I've always been a straight A kind of girl. Hate to mess up the record now!

    @Kris, glad to amuse. You really are a terrible influence, you know. In all the best ways!

    @Sogeshirts, thanks so much for reading! Nice to get the male perspective. I'm sure he would have been stoked if it had worked. Oh, well.

    @MultipleMum, chocolate? Wow, talk about a mess! (My brief research on the interwebz says the movie used shaving cream.)

    @gopopgo, you know, I'd wondered about Cool Whip. Glad to know. Not that you know, or anything. Ahem.

  17. Mary
    October 22, 2010 | 7:47 am

    AHHH!!!! I am cracking up!!! I love this post. I cannot believe you actually tried the whipped cream bikini!!! You go girl.

    (This is Mommyologist)…too lazy to log into my other account this morning!

  18. Just Plain Tired
    October 22, 2010 | 7:54 am

    That was a hilarious post. Gotta admire that adventurous spirit, and stuff. ;)

  19. Marie
    October 22, 2010 | 7:57 am

    Angie…..oh Angie. Thanks for the visual images and sound effects to start my morning off right! Your writing is fantastic!

  20. FallDown Girl
    October 22, 2010 | 8:09 am

    ::gigglesnort::

  21. Angie
    October 22, 2010 | 9:00 am

    @Mommyologist, thanks. Proves you can go for Mom Sexy and fail. And that's ok.

    @JustPlainTired Thanks for coming by!

    @FallDownGirl, any time I can cause a giggle snort I am a happy girl. :)

  22. Rebekah C
    October 22, 2010 | 9:12 am

    Ok, my belly hurts from laughing. Seriously, that's one of the best stories I've heard!

    I've got one for you: I've had this friend for years and years. Shortly after we both grew up, I lost touch with her for a couple of years and our reunion was basically we sat down and picked up where we left off, right? Well the last time we'd seen each other, we weren't married. Now we both were and so of course we were comparing notes! Somehow this got into funny story sharing.

    So, apparently, for their first anniversary, she set a bunch of tea lights up all over their bedroom and surprised her dh. Well he was so delighted with what she had in mind that he decided to um…give her a treat. So he set her up all sexy on some pillows, told her to get comfortable and moved down south to worship at the Sacred Garden, mkay? Except he was so focused on her, that he forgot that there were tea-lights all over the chest at the foot of their bed. In his shimmying backwards down the bed, he accidentally put a corner of their comforter over the foot of the bed…into the tea lights. So he's doing his thing, she's appreciating it when suddenly he's shouting about being on fire! They had a smokin' good time! (He wasn't injured though from what I understand, they did have to replace the comforter.)

  23. Cheryl
    October 22, 2010 | 9:19 am

    HEE! I love this! The use of food really isn't like it looks in the movies, is it?

  24. Lady Jennie
    October 22, 2010 | 1:11 pm

    I actually came here because some tweeted this post – can you believe it? I wonder how many people actually do (follow a tweet).

    In any case, so well worth it – lovely humor, well written. And … just the kind of thing that would happen to me.

  25. Emily
    October 22, 2010 | 2:47 pm

    Yes, this is the stuff that only works right in the movies. You were lacking special effects for this one, but good try!

  26. Guerrina
    October 22, 2010 | 4:50 pm

    I sorta remember those days! Laughing too much to comment more! So glad you both can laugh at yourselves…makes life easier!

  27. mommylebron
    October 22, 2010 | 5:16 pm

    I have bought can after can of Readi Whip with just this in mind. However, my minions tend to defectively eradicate every can before I get a chance. Good thing!

  28. From Tracie
    October 23, 2010 | 1:29 pm

    Hilarious! I love that you went for it and tried to do it…that is awesome! Even if it didn't exactly work out.

  29. Cori
    October 24, 2010 | 1:37 pm

    Had to pop over and see what all the buzz was about over at Word Up, Yo!!

    Hilarious!!!!

  30. Kristy
    October 25, 2010 | 1:47 pm

    Now THAT is an interesting wardrobe malfunction. Love it!

  31. Saucy B
    October 26, 2010 | 5:13 pm

    Oh honey you are too funny! I give you major kudos for your persistence and the ability to have a good laugh at the whole situation.

  32. Guerrina
    November 18, 2010 | 3:35 pm

    You haven't posted for awhile and I hope all is well with you and yours.

  33. Midwestern Mama Holly
    November 19, 2010 | 12:49 pm

    Bwwahhaaa !!! Hilarious! My guess is they used a glue/spackle combo.

  34. Amanda
    December 2, 2010 | 11:05 pm

    Wow… I haven't had a laugh like this in a long while. This is an excellent post, and very well written. I just love the “Pfffftttt” effects, but then again, I'm easily amused anyway. I stumbled on your blog by accident, but I guarantee I'll be back for more. :D

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