Whipped cream bikini: the mother of all wardrobe malfunctions

One Saturday night (pre-twins), the hubster and I were sitting at home.  We’d watched our movie, eaten our dinner, and were proceeding to get down to the kind of business that newlyweds do.
Mid-kiss, after my shirt had come off, I had an idea.
I sat up.  “Be right back!  Just gotta get something from the kitchen.”  
The hubster was not amused.  “Can’t it wait?  What are you doing?”
I unhooked my bra the rest of the way and threw it around the corner.  “Just give me a minute.  I’m hungry.”
“You’re hungry, like, for food?  Now?”  
Too busy rooting around in the refrigerator to answer, I finally spotted what I needed.  You see, we’d watched Varsity Blues a few weeks earlier (and if you’ve seen it, you know where this is going).  In the movie, Ali Larter plays a cheerleader who tries to seduce a football player with the aid of a whipped cream bikini: 

This seemed like a great Saturday night scene to re-create for the hubster.  Certainly something a Cosmo girl would do, no?  
In my excitement over finding the Reddi-Whip, I neglected to think about how Ms. Larter’s costume for the movie was actually constructed.  It was billed as whipped cream, and we had whipped cream.  There were maraschino cherries in the pantry.  This was going to knock the hubster’s socks off.
Reddi-Whip at the, well, ready, I began to construct the bikini.  It only took about two seconds to realize that refrigerated canned whipped cream and 98.6 degree skin do not play well together.  
I worked faster.  
“What the hell are you doing?” the hubster asked, raising his voice to be heard over the pfftttt of the aerosol can.
“Um, just making you something.”  The left breast was a little wonky, but more or less covered, so I moved on to the right.
“I’m not hungry.  I am, however, in the mood for you to come back over here.  What the hell is that noise?”
Pffffffttt. Pfffttttt.  Pfffffttt.  I could swear I was getting lightheaded by the time I was done with the right breast.  I set down the can to go for the cherries, and felt something wet land on my foot.
Not good.
Looking down, I saw the remains of the whipped cream melting off my breasts, dripping down my stomach, and pooling on the kitchen floor.
But I’m nothing if not persistent.
Pfffftttt.  Pffffttttt.  Pfffttttt.  Damn.  Still happening.  If anything, the second batch slid off  even faster.
I heard his footsteps a second too late.  “Wait a minute, I’m just–”
Hubster rounded the corner and came face to face with me.  I jutted one hip out and brandished the can of Reddi-Whip.  “Are you in the mood for dessert?” I asked, using my best Angelina Jolie come-hither tone.
He tried not to laugh.  For about five seconds.  Then he just let go, leaving me dripping melted dairy onto the hardwoods and feeling about as sexy as the bottom of an ice cream carton.
“What…” he choked out, “were you trying to do?”
“Um, well,” I started to giggle, too, “obviously, this is a whipped cream bikini.”
The hubster looked from me to the puddle on the floor, and we both started howling with the kind of laughter that makes your face hurt.  The kind that makes you feel as if you’ve done thousands of crunches the next day.  The kind of laughter you can only really have in a safe space, a space where you know it’s ok to make a fool of yourself in front of your spouse, because even if you’re dripping whipped cream onto the floor, you’re in it together.
Some time later….
“So do you think they used, like, shaving cream or something in the movie?” I asked, staring at the ceiling fan in our bedroom.
“Um, yeah.  Or maybe Spackle.  Whatever it was, it definitely wasn’t,” he started laughing again, “whipped cream.”
**This was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.  The prompt: a wardrobe malfunction

header 150x150


  1. says

    @Liz, thanks!

    @MoveOverMaryP, patience, my dear. And I do have pictures of that one, if I can find them.

    @JustAnotherMomof2 Thank you! And to think, I almost didn't hit “publish.”

  2. says

    Hysterical!! Almost makes me want to re-create the scene with my husband just for the laughs! …or maybe not. Too funny! This is probably the last blog I'll read before heading to bed, so thanks for ending my day with a smile :-)

  3. says

    I have heard of bodies painted in chocolate, but never whipped cream! I love this!!! Such a visual and auditory delight. *smiles to self wondering how they actually did it in the movie*

  4. says

    Pffffft Pfffffft I think I'm going to laugh every time I use a can of whipped cream now.

    Also, cool whip isn't any better – it's really greasy and nasty. Not that we've tried or anything. We've just heard.

  5. says

    @Helene, thanks. I've always been a straight A kind of girl. Hate to mess up the record now!

    @Kris, glad to amuse. You really are a terrible influence, you know. In all the best ways!

    @Sogeshirts, thanks so much for reading! Nice to get the male perspective. I'm sure he would have been stoked if it had worked. Oh, well.

    @MultipleMum, chocolate? Wow, talk about a mess! (My brief research on the interwebz says the movie used shaving cream.)

    @gopopgo, you know, I'd wondered about Cool Whip. Glad to know. Not that you know, or anything. Ahem.

  6. says

    AHHH!!!! I am cracking up!!! I love this post. I cannot believe you actually tried the whipped cream bikini!!! You go girl.

    (This is Mommyologist)…too lazy to log into my other account this morning!

  7. says

    @Mommyologist, thanks. Proves you can go for Mom Sexy and fail. And that's ok.

    @JustPlainTired Thanks for coming by!

    @FallDownGirl, any time I can cause a giggle snort I am a happy girl. :)

  8. says

    Ok, my belly hurts from laughing. Seriously, that's one of the best stories I've heard!

    I've got one for you: I've had this friend for years and years. Shortly after we both grew up, I lost touch with her for a couple of years and our reunion was basically we sat down and picked up where we left off, right? Well the last time we'd seen each other, we weren't married. Now we both were and so of course we were comparing notes! Somehow this got into funny story sharing.

    So, apparently, for their first anniversary, she set a bunch of tea lights up all over their bedroom and surprised her dh. Well he was so delighted with what she had in mind that he decided to um…give her a treat. So he set her up all sexy on some pillows, told her to get comfortable and moved down south to worship at the Sacred Garden, mkay? Except he was so focused on her, that he forgot that there were tea-lights all over the chest at the foot of their bed. In his shimmying backwards down the bed, he accidentally put a corner of their comforter over the foot of the bed…into the tea lights. So he's doing his thing, she's appreciating it when suddenly he's shouting about being on fire! They had a smokin' good time! (He wasn't injured though from what I understand, they did have to replace the comforter.)

  9. says

    I actually came here because some tweeted this post – can you believe it? I wonder how many people actually do (follow a tweet).

    In any case, so well worth it – lovely humor, well written. And … just the kind of thing that would happen to me.

  10. says

    Wow… I haven't had a laugh like this in a long while. This is an excellent post, and very well written. I just love the “Pfffftttt” effects, but then again, I'm easily amused anyway. I stumbled on your blog by accident, but I guarantee I'll be back for more. 😀

  11. says

    Bye Bra is a simple solution to quickly and effectively improve the female breast without the need for surgery or even a bra! Bye Bra can enhance breasts, simply and efficiently. Better yet, not only will it improve – but it also creates a better mood and self-esteem in women significantly. Not only it gives you the feeling of confidence in a more attractive appearance, but it also allows you to wear clothing that would otherwise be consigned to remain in the closet. <a

  12. says

    Of course gynexin do male breast reduction pills work there are other treatment
    methods which are rather slow but they are also effective.
    Gynexin is widely advised by doctors too and if you are lolking for an alternative technique of decreasing male boobs,
    many people take the extreme option gynexin do male breast reduction ills work of a surgery.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *